Parachute? Nah, I'm Good.

As I was walking out of work tonight I took notice of the clear patch of sky that let the stars poke through and the dampness in the air.  There was faint hint of citronella on the wind and as I walked I closed my eyes and outstretched my arms, breathing deeply. I went back to my summers at The Lost Colony, staying up late, drinking and laying on the spit counting shooting stars. I remembered thinking "God, I really must be the luckiest person alive." The incredible friendships I'd made, both there and elsewhere, the passionate loves I've bounced in and out of, the places I've traveled and all the experiences I've had. I've already had dreams come true and while I've seen just as many things fall apart in my fingers there is nothing that I haven't bounced back from or would trade. 

So it's strange that as I strolled through the night to my car with my mind swimming in my good fortune that I suddenly felt a piercing in my chest. I opened the door and sat down. "I certainly have have had everything so what am I doing now? Honestly Jocelyn, with everything you've done and everything you know, why are you letting yourself be in this position of unhappiness?" Now don't get me wrong, there is certainly no great misfortune in my life. I have a job and I make good money although it is not ideal. I'm in a town that I think I have the potential to adore should I get the chance to experience more of it. I'm dating someone that I am really quite fond of and for the first time in as many years as I can remember my immediate family anyway, is happy and healthy. I guess I would just say that at this state in my life I think that I should be in a career. 

My problem is the same one that has been plaguing me all of my life so you would think that by now I should have learned how to deal with such an impairment. Alas, indecision holds fast to me and I continue to tread water waiting for something that I have not yet identified. My father always recommends that I read those career books. "7 Habits of Highly Effective People?" Sure, if you can't figure out what makes you effective on your own you have some other issues. I tried though...I checked out "What Color is Your Parachute." It comes with statistics about the job market and exercises to help you find your strengths, etc., etc.. And I decided, well this is stupid. I don't need a parachute. I'm not falling out of the sky and I'm certainly not plummeting anywhere. I mean, how half empty can your cup get? Keep your damn parachute, I've got wings. It isn't that I can't find something to do it's that everything looks like the most exciting opportunity ever so I fly over and try it but I don't know where to stop. So my biggest issue  is that the world holds too much potential in my eyes for me to settle on something...could be worse. Although if you know someone that's hiring...

Happy Easter!

I think that I might have the flu.
It's Easter and I've got naught to do.
So off to work I float with the breeze,
to sling some drinks and spread disease.

One of the loveliest things I realized this morning is when I move my boiling tea kettle back over the hot burner briefly as to set it on a cool one, it makes a little whirring sound that is reminiscent of a very tiny, very excited pachyderm. I imagine he is rearing up in his little aluminum circus ring while the Lilliputian crowd bubbles with awe and amazement and this miniscule, great creature. All the while I'm just floating somewhere high above them drinking tea.

Funeral Processions

Funeral. If you break that word up you are looking at the words "real" and "fun." Ironic, eh?

So I'd been feeling a bit down lately, things just weren't going the way I wanted them to go and this morning I was like, "Buck up, kiddo! Go make some good things happen for yourself!" So I got out the flight voucher I'd been holding onto for a year and made a flight to New York for tomorrow to spend a couple days with one of my best friends. I started doing laundry and running errands, getting everything squared away for my trip. I needed one more stop at the grocery store to make sure Lambert had everything he would need while I was gone, including a new squeaky squirrel. So there we were, Lambert and myself, enjoying the sunshine, singing to the radio, thinking about how lucky I was to have so many amazing friends in such lovely places to visit when we see the police car with its lights on coming in the other lane. Following suit, we pulled over to wait for the funeral procession to pass. As I sat there watching the cars with their dark sunglassed passengers slowly follow their loved one down Patton Avenue my face when quickly from smile to frown. Unfortunately, I wasn't frowning because I was sad for their loss, trying to sympathize, nothing like that. It was just that this unknown person's last moment in the sun had just made me feel like such a jerk for my silly, simple, newly inspired happiness. I mean, don't get me wrong, I respect the tradition and I am sorry for the loss of this person. I suppose I will even want my last bit of attention when I go but really...it is just kind of a good juju crusher. Everyone is just pulled over on the side of the road and for a variety of reasons the only thing they can think to themselves right now is "damn."

Like all things, including that person and the mild traffic back-up their grieving had caused, that feeling did pass. When we got home, Lambert and I went outside to break in the squirrel toy and finally decided that there wasn't a whole lot that we could do about everyone else and together we slipped squeakily back into our silly, simple happiness. Rest in peace, our traffic clogging friend.

the rain, like my laundry, is unceasing.
my tea, like my dog, is comforting.
this blanket, like your arms, in encompassing.
my happiness, like this poem, is complete.

What's in a name? That which we call a burrito by any other name would taste as delicious.

Being new to Asheville, my new roommate is always trying to show me the spots in town that "I have to know about!" Today for lunch we went to this "healthy" semi-fast food burrito shop. Someone stop me when you hear something that doesn't sound quite right. 

Upon entering this establishment I start searching the paper menu that has been shoved into my hand...Carribean jerk, thai, curry, greek (isn't that a gyro???)...sooooo you're telling me that you don't make any Mexican style burritos? Just because it's in a tortilla with rice, beans and cheese and comes with a side of salsa doesn't make you a burrito!!!! Wait...does it?

The definition of a burrito that pops up on my dashboard (I'm a Mac!) is "a Mexican dish consisting of a tortilla rolled around a filling, typically of beans or ground or shredded beef." Huh, well paint me orange and call me Cheddar, they are burritos!!! Thank you, Lucky Otter for opening my eyes. Also thank you for making that cheese that doesn't even solidify when you take it home and put it in the refrigerator. 

Ladybugs: Not just a movie about cross dressing soccer players anymore...

So as it happens, ladybugs have always been considered a symbol of luck. It is most commonly believed to have been due to their eating pests that destroyed crops. I myself, have no crops to speak of except the pumpkin on my front porch and that has a face so I am not sure it really counts. The other day while cleaning my room I noticed a little ladybug wander in and smiled to myself as I thought of my impending good luck. It wasn't long before I noticed my bug had brought a few friends. Cute! and I shall have such good luck! Aren't I the lucky one?! Indeed I shall be!

I now have the most adorable infestation in my house. Apparently ladybugs seek lightly colored, older houses to stay hydrated and protected in the winter. I live in one of these exact cozy shelters. Ladybugs are also apparently really hard to encourage to vacate their shelter after they've found one and are particularly warm hosts that give off scents that attract their buddies from all around. While ladybugs aren't particularly harmful (they don't eat fabrics or bite you) they are still bugs and enough is enough! Immediate action has become necessary!

Today I sprayed the outside of my doors and windows with spider poison. I would like to point out that I did not aim said poison at any of my little ladies, I was merely trying to deter their attempts to enter my home. A little later I walked out my back door and found several bugs on their backs...shit. I began immediately to be short of breath and have pain in my chest. The bad luck begins and I'm having a panic attack! Or I am still inhaling poisonous fumes and should get out of the alcove? Removing myself from the alcove seems to have done the trick. 

While my intentions were good, I sit here in my room wondering if my actions were too rash...can human, mutt and bug not live together in peaceful companionship through the rough winter? Have I just cursed the beginning of my 27th year and new life in Asheville?! Will my dog and I suffer long term affects of those poisonous fumes just like the innocent creatures I've just murdered in cold bug?!?! Am I overreacting!?!?!?!  I suppose that's a possibility...

Not being sure quite what to do, I linger on my back porch at sunset, hope a small prayer for my newly deceased friends and ponder if infestation can really be counted as good luck in the first place. Either way, I've made my peace with my new housemates and have already begun to look forward to spring.