Parachute? Nah, I'm Good.

As I was walking out of work tonight I took notice of the clear patch of sky that let the stars poke through and the dampness in the air.  There was faint hint of citronella on the wind and as I walked I closed my eyes and outstretched my arms, breathing deeply. I went back to my summers at The Lost Colony, staying up late, drinking and laying on the spit counting shooting stars. I remembered thinking "God, I really must be the luckiest person alive." The incredible friendships I'd made, both there and elsewhere, the passionate loves I've bounced in and out of, the places I've traveled and all the experiences I've had. I've already had dreams come true and while I've seen just as many things fall apart in my fingers there is nothing that I haven't bounced back from or would trade. 

So it's strange that as I strolled through the night to my car with my mind swimming in my good fortune that I suddenly felt a piercing in my chest. I opened the door and sat down. "I certainly have have had everything so what am I doing now? Honestly Jocelyn, with everything you've done and everything you know, why are you letting yourself be in this position of unhappiness?" Now don't get me wrong, there is certainly no great misfortune in my life. I have a job and I make good money although it is not ideal. I'm in a town that I think I have the potential to adore should I get the chance to experience more of it. I'm dating someone that I am really quite fond of and for the first time in as many years as I can remember my immediate family anyway, is happy and healthy. I guess I would just say that at this state in my life I think that I should be in a career. 

My problem is the same one that has been plaguing me all of my life so you would think that by now I should have learned how to deal with such an impairment. Alas, indecision holds fast to me and I continue to tread water waiting for something that I have not yet identified. My father always recommends that I read those career books. "7 Habits of Highly Effective People?" Sure, if you can't figure out what makes you effective on your own you have some other issues. I tried though...I checked out "What Color is Your Parachute." It comes with statistics about the job market and exercises to help you find your strengths, etc., etc.. And I decided, well this is stupid. I don't need a parachute. I'm not falling out of the sky and I'm certainly not plummeting anywhere. I mean, how half empty can your cup get? Keep your damn parachute, I've got wings. It isn't that I can't find something to do it's that everything looks like the most exciting opportunity ever so I fly over and try it but I don't know where to stop. So my biggest issue  is that the world holds too much potential in my eyes for me to settle on something...could be worse. Although if you know someone that's hiring...

Happy Easter!

I think that I might have the flu.
It's Easter and I've got naught to do.
So off to work I float with the breeze,
to sling some drinks and spread disease.

One of the loveliest things I realized this morning is when I move my boiling tea kettle back over the hot burner briefly as to set it on a cool one, it makes a little whirring sound that is reminiscent of a very tiny, very excited pachyderm. I imagine he is rearing up in his little aluminum circus ring while the Lilliputian crowd bubbles with awe and amazement and this miniscule, great creature. All the while I'm just floating somewhere high above them drinking tea.

Funeral Processions

Funeral. If you break that word up you are looking at the words "real" and "fun." Ironic, eh?

So I'd been feeling a bit down lately, things just weren't going the way I wanted them to go and this morning I was like, "Buck up, kiddo! Go make some good things happen for yourself!" So I got out the flight voucher I'd been holding onto for a year and made a flight to New York for tomorrow to spend a couple days with one of my best friends. I started doing laundry and running errands, getting everything squared away for my trip. I needed one more stop at the grocery store to make sure Lambert had everything he would need while I was gone, including a new squeaky squirrel. So there we were, Lambert and myself, enjoying the sunshine, singing to the radio, thinking about how lucky I was to have so many amazing friends in such lovely places to visit when we see the police car with its lights on coming in the other lane. Following suit, we pulled over to wait for the funeral procession to pass. As I sat there watching the cars with their dark sunglassed passengers slowly follow their loved one down Patton Avenue my face when quickly from smile to frown. Unfortunately, I wasn't frowning because I was sad for their loss, trying to sympathize, nothing like that. It was just that this unknown person's last moment in the sun had just made me feel like such a jerk for my silly, simple, newly inspired happiness. I mean, don't get me wrong, I respect the tradition and I am sorry for the loss of this person. I suppose I will even want my last bit of attention when I go but really...it is just kind of a good juju crusher. Everyone is just pulled over on the side of the road and for a variety of reasons the only thing they can think to themselves right now is "damn."

Like all things, including that person and the mild traffic back-up their grieving had caused, that feeling did pass. When we got home, Lambert and I went outside to break in the squirrel toy and finally decided that there wasn't a whole lot that we could do about everyone else and together we slipped squeakily back into our silly, simple happiness. Rest in peace, our traffic clogging friend.